If Drink Is the Curse of the Working Classes. . .

Is underemployment the scourge of the meth-ing classes? Or is the other way around? Read the rather long linked article; it's really goddamn good.

[wik] Oh hell. It looks like I'm not going to have the time today to post all the priceless pearls of wisdom I've got queued up, so I'll turn this jackass post into a minilinkfest instead.
English Cut: the blog of a Savile Road bespoke tailor.
Obsidian Wings plumb the depths of animal-sex fixated Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum's feckless corruption. Check it out: the National Weather Service must stop making their weather data public because it'd be yadda yadda yabba daaba yah fum fum boo bah. We should all use Accu-Weather instead. Guess where they're based?
Scott Kirwin calls for a revolution in education of boys: to wit, let them be boys!
If you haven't downloaded Firefox to use as your primary browser, why not? Where else can you download a tiny applet that will keep you constantly updated as to the mortal status of Abe Vigoda? (A tiny pane in my browser taskbar currently tells me he's "alive."

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

It Lives!

Part XXVII in the recurring series, “Periodic Bread-blogging With Johno!”

Most folks who know me know I love to bake. Get your mind out of the gravity bong; I mean bake bread. What only a few people know is the degree to which baking has become an obsession. For example, since January 1, I have spent about $200 on clothing, including a new pair of good hiking boots. In that same time, I have spent closer to $300 on baking supplies and related materials; classroom time, regular and specialty flours, specialty equipment, etc.

My wife recently had to talk me down from taking all my baking gear with us on vacation. I am now limited to the essentials: small vial of sourdough culture, digital scale, linen couche for rising baguettes, the Austrian brotforms for rising round loaves, the silicone baking mats, and the special curved razor for slashing loaves. Whereas my ostensible reason for baking at home is that the unit cost of home-baked bread is lower than that of store-bought bread not to mention that home-baked bread is simply always better, my actual reason is… well, never you mind that. Just know that I could stop if I wanted to. It’s just I don’t want to, okay?

At this point our small freezer is crammed to bursting with surplus product. I still have two or three loaves left over from last week’s wild yeast sourdough bake (It's ALIVE!), and there are now three loaves in there of bread made with strong ale and spent brewing grains. I believe there’s also a loaf of Alsatian walnut-onion bread somewhere deep in there; if not, I better get cracking.

Just this Saturday I was sitting at my local brewpub enjoying a fine cask ale and alternating my attention between the NFL draft and a mid-period Evelyn Waugh novel (the foregoing clause, I might add, has never before been written in the history of all mankind) when it occurred to me that, my being in a brewery, I might well be within spitting distance of literally tons of grains that the brewers have no need for. Sure enough, I asked my friendly brewer and was sent on my way with six pounds of spent barley and wheat fresh from the kettle, for free. (Six pounds, by the way, is enough for about fifteen loaves of bread, assuming that 6.4 oz of grains added to the mix equals about 20% by weight of the finished loaf. I don’t want to go much higher for fear that the yeast won’t be able to lift the grains and I would be baking a delicious brick.)

The next step is seeing how well spent brewing grains work in some of my favorite recipes. I make a white bread with wheat germ and a quick sponge starter that’s really great; I bet adding some texture and crunch will really bring that together. And my pain levain could really use a pick-me-up! Not to mention the aforementioned Alsatian walnut-onion bread, though for that recipe I’ll have to cut down the walnut oil so the texture is more chewy and less delicate, without destroying the character of the loaf. A-and, pancakes! Beer grain pancakes! Waffles? Waffles! Blintzes, bagels and bialys!

Why am I even at work today? I clearly have stuff to do!

[wik] A warning. If you’re in the market for a bread machine, you can do better than the Zojirushi X-20. Even though that particular model is way more versatile than most bread machines, in that it has a sourdough cycle for keeping starters warm, has customizable and programmable mix, rise, and bake cycles, and can bake cakes and meatloaf and stews, jam, and soups besides, well… let me put it this way: you’re gonna need your warranty. Repeatedly. And for what it costs to ship the damn thing to California, you could buy a new Black & Decker and have enough left over for a latte. End of rant.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Interspecies Resuscitation

Loyal Reader #0017, EDog, lives in a really messed up place.

Uegene Safken says one of his chickens in his young flock had gotten into a tub of water in the yard last week and appeared to have died. Safken said he swung the chicken by the feet in his attempt to revive it and when that failed, continued swinging and blowing into its beak. "Then one eye opened. I thought it was an involuntary response," Safken said. The chicken's beak opened a little wider and Safken started yelling at it: "You're too young to die!

That's priceless. Imagine the tableau. The barnyard. The milling fowl. The one little yellow puff floating in a tub. The farmer, walking by on his way to feed the hogs, sees the tiny dot of yellow bobbing in the brackish pool and freezes, stricken. He drops his hoe. He gawps. With a yell he sprints with loose limbs toward the unfortunate chick. He lifts it gingerly from the water and begins SHAKING IT BY THE FEET SHOUTING "LIVE, DAMN YOU, LIVE!!!"

Jeezus. What's more, Colorado seems to have a thing for post-tragedian chickens. From the same story comes this heartwarming and gutwrenching tale of headless love:

About 50 miles west of Collbran, residents in Fruita each year celebrate the life of Mike the Headless Chicken, who survived a beheading in 1945. Afterward, Mike could go through the motions of pecking for food, and when he tried to crow, a gurgle came out. His owner put feed and water directly into Mike's gullet with an eyedropper.

University of Utah scientists examined the chicken and theorized Mike had enough of a brain stem left to live headless.

He was a popular attraction until he choked to death on a corn kernel in an Arizona motel.

It's so sad when an artist goes like that, sad and nearly forgotten, hanging onto the tattered shreds of a once-great career. Alone in a dingy motel room, killed by his own success and a wayward kernel of Kansas' best.

Hats off to you, brave chickens!

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 0

What's Your Favorite Color? (A Stealth Review of Living Colour's Latest)

How many black rock musicians can you name? Although rock and roll and all the genres that it begat were undoubtedly invented by black musicians (As Little Richard observed, "Rock & Roll is R&B uptempo! It’s R&B uptempo!!"), you can count the legendary black artists of rock music on one hand. Once you get out of the early days, when Chuck Berry, Little Richard, and converted soul men like Chubby Checker had hit after hit after hit, the pickings do get pretty thin as far as straight rock music is concerned. Jimi Hendrix is the exception that proves the rule. Remember: when Jimi first came up, he was marketed in Britain as a curiosity - the African Mau-Mau Guitar Man Straight From Darkest Africa With The Wildest Show On Earth! – not as a musician. Part of his enduring legend in the US is that he had the biggest penis the Plaster Casters ever saw. My thinly argued and tissue-thin thesis: no matter who invented rock music, rock music grew up anything but well-adjusted about race. If you disagree, perhaps you could tell me why nobody ever mythologizes about the size of Jim Morrison’s schlong.

Moreover, since Hendrix, black musicians in rock have remained so rare as to nearly be individually nameable. Is this a problem? Is it an issue? If so, does it result from latent prejudice or racism in the recording industry and American public, and can it be addressed? Or is it just one of those… things?

I only raise the question because Living Colour did first, and it got me to thinking. From their name down to their lyrics, Living Colour were a self-consciously political group, walking refutations of the notion that black musicians don’t (can’t?) play rock. (Whether this a notion in need of refutation in the first place was settled to the affirmative by Funkadelic. Look it up.) Their career was about racism in rock and outside, social justice, and addressing the inequities the group perceived in the mostly-white rock world and the world at large.

To aid in this, Living Colour members Vernon Reid and Will Calhoun started a group called the Black Rock Coalition, aiming to promote the careers of themselves and other black musicians working in rock through grassroots action. Unfortunately, the broader aims of both Living Colour and the BRC are mostly notable for their lack of enduring successes (Living Colour broke up after three albums and other members of the BRC never really broke big), and the brevity of the band’s career make it easy to forget how amazingly good they were. In the wake of Living Colour's recent reunion, Columbia Legacy has released from their vaults the live Living Colour Live at CBGB 1989 This is a good excuse to talk about what made them great, and to ask whether they were effective in getting their points across. (You can’t separate Living Colour’s politics from their music any more than you could with Phil Ochs, Fela Kuti, or Bruce Springsteen.)

The show captured on Live at CBGB was a sort of homecoming for the band. Their debut album, Vivid, had sold very well, they had had radio hits, and they were coming off an opening slot for the Rolling Stones. CBGB was where the band got their start, and they considered the legendary Bowery hellhole their home. Thanks to this, the group is captured here at their loosest and most relaxed. (When I saw them a few years later touring behind their third album, Stain, there was a minimum of stage patter and although they rocked savagely they weren’t really that much fun. The band broke up not long after.)

Living Colour were always bold, musically speaking. Guitarist Vernon Reid was a veteran of various free- and post-jazz units, and drummer Will Calhoun was a Berklee-trained musician with a penchant for furious swinging. With singer Corey Glover, whose pipes were among the best rock has seen, and bassist Muzz Skillings, the group could seemingly do anything – rock, metal, punk, jazz, funk, whatever. This boldness was on full display the night they recorded Live at CBGB. The band start off the night with their signature "Cult of Personality," and immediately follow it up with seven brand-new songs, including a cover of Bad Brains’ “Sailin’ On.” Who does that, play seven songs in a row the audience hasn’t heard?

Aside from a couple unreleased numbers that aren’t very strong (“Little Lies” and a by-the-numbers shuffle, “Soldier’s Blues”), Living Colour tear through their set with incredible energy and skill. The opening run-through of “Cult of Personality” sets the tone. Although not all that different from the (perfect) album version, Reid, Skillings and especially Calhoun stretch, compress, and flip the groove around at will, switching from double-time to wrongfooted half-time at the drop of a hat. Zappa fans will recognize this level of musicianship. Throughout, Vernon Reid unfurls jaw-dropping guitar lines at the drop of a hat and the Calhoun-Wimbish rhythm section create chewy, thick, heavy grooves that allow Reid and Corey Glover to orbit Saturn if they so desire.

Although the performance on disc is white hot, the band’s political side was at center stage that night. After all, Living Colour made message music. Even though it’s hard to name more than a couple Living Colour songs that aren’t explicity political to begin with, the set list from Live at CBGB trends heavily toward the militant, the angry, and the cutting. High points include “Pride,” Love Rears Up Its Ugly Head” and “Someone Like You” from their then--unrecorded second album Time’s Up,and “Cult of Personality,” “Funny Vibe” and a gorgeously deconstructed “Open Letter To A Landlord” from Vivid. Recurring themes of black pride, support for community structures, opposition to gentrification, and a preoccupation with The Man run through most of the songs here.

I’ve always been a fan of Living Colour, but having all their politics concentrated here in one place leaves a bad taste. How many songs about The Man can you stomach from a band whose operating principles amount to a bold “screw you; we’ll do it ourselves?” The group aspired to make complex arguments about ownership of history, the power structures hidden in society, and the need for intelligent and constructive resistance. However, as with a lot of political music, those arguments often turned into slogans.

This tendency is especially disappointing when the band often manage to actually make it work. Songs like “Middle Man” and “Funny Vibe,” not to mention “Cult of Personality” and the later “Auslander” cut deep. But others just don’t make it. The chorus to “Pride,” for example, goes

History’s a lie that they teach you in school / a fraudulent view of the golden rule / a peaceful land that was born civilized / was robbed of its riches, its freedom, its pride.

Whether Corey Glover is singing about Africa or the Americas, there’s a hard kernel of truth in there, but what is to be gained by harking back to a non-existent golden era of world peace and civilization? That’s not what happened either. I will grant that “I know what to do with someone like you” (from the song “Someone Like You”) sings better than “Police power must meet the needs of the community being policed, rather than acting as a paramilitary group exerting external force on that community; the latter is a recipe for riots, distrust, shot cops, and social breakdown, and that was my brother you shot last night” but the vague polemics in Living Colour’s lyrics too often undermine their very intentions – especially unfortunate when their targets were so big and important and their explicit agenda was so clear.

I realize I am setting myself up for attack on a number of fronts: he’s a racist; he’s a jerk; he’s willfully obtuse. I’m only picking on Living Colour because I like them so much. For all the endless rivers of words printed about the revolutionary potential of rock and roll, as an actual tool of revolution it’s pretty piss poor. With a few notable exceptions, like Neil Young’s heat-of-the-moment “Ohio,” rock does better when it’s accidentally political. (Take, for instance, the Beatles’ popularity in pre-Glasnost Russia, or Vaclav Havel’s idolization of The Mothers of Invention’s first few records in the dark days of the Iron Curtain). The Clash might rock like all hell, but their politics were pat and a pose besides. Rage Against The Machine suffer even worse if you look closely at their lyrics; do Americans really need guerilla radio? Or to rally ‘round the family with a pocket fulla shells? Getting teenagers to yell “&*#! you, I won’t do what you told me” is easy like falling off a log. And don’t get me started on Public Enemy or the Dead Kennedys.

But you know what? Forget all that. Living Colour’s performance on Live at CBGB will tear the head clean off your body. It’s hard rock, very good hard rock, and the lyrics are several orders of magnitude more thoughtful than Rage’s or Public Enemy’s, even if they don’t always make the grade as well-argued theses of dissent. Take my advice and check this disc out.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 7

My Guitar Wants To Kill Your Mama

....my guitar wants to burn your dad. But this time it's not a funny Zappa song. It's for real. Yeesh. (Thanks to Michelle, the best Yankee fan I know, for the tip.)

(I really gotta take off the skirt (ahorribly sexist phrase, that (I shouldn't be such a pussy about being P.C. (do two wrongs make a right?)) and get back on the regular posting thing. New stories of robot terror appear every day, and here I am with my brain wired into the Perfidious Brainwave Magnifier trying to fight back a cruel and oppressinve assault on the Perfidy Compound by the forces of pushin-paper. Soon, soon.)

In the meantime, I would just like to thank my competitors in the Great Ministry "Who's The Biggest Dork" contest for being so well-adjusted and normal, allowing me to reign victorious as the biggest dork on the Ministry roster. And to think! I didn't even have to share my belching contest stories! Or mention the phrase "kinky sex with a mushroom!" Anybody want to try to take me again? I got more photos, like the one of me from Marching Band.

Or perhaps I should just be done with that.

Thought for the day: Greil Marcus, an infuriatingly pompous music writer who I would drive any distance to hunt and kill if only he weren't so goddamn right all the time, has a piece in an old issue of Granta in which he observes that sometimes you have to be ready to hear a song; much like born-again Christians maintain that the time has to be right for the Spirit to move you, the same goes for songs. One day it's just an album cut you didn't think much of; you've heard it a thousand times without giving a second thought, and surface is all that's there for you. And then the next day the same song comes by, the clouds part, an invisible choir sings, some alcoholic songwriter in Birmingham who died of liver failure in 1934 opens a hole in time and space and pours his heart into yours, and you're changed a little forever after.

Discuss.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 3

Johno is the Lord High King of the Dorks

image

The people have spoken. By a vote of eight to three, Johno was voted winner of the game, match and tournament. Johno is the Lord High King of the Dorks, and all should avert their eyes from his painful awkwardness.

Johno should be given special credit, as he defeated two fresh opponents in his path to victory. (Frankly, he deserves this victory, as if I had had to go up against Ross, I would have had nothing - nothing - to use against Johno.) I would also like to extend a personal, huge, thank you to Johno for making me feel so much better about myself. I never spent $500 on magic cards while on an exciting European adventure.

Thanks also to everyone who shared our pain and voted in our pathetic little contest. Except for those of you who shared your own dork stories, you get anti-dork points for laughing at the dorks.

While this has been fun in an odd and vaguely cathartic way, I don't think we'll ever do this again.

Posted by Buckethead Buckethead on   |   § 14

The Fifty Book Challenge: Books 4-5

I'm way behind on my book reports. I am supposed to read fifty books in 2005 and blog about each one. So far, perceptive readers will note that I'm up to book number three, which means I will finish my fiftieth book sometime in 2009. In truth, that number is actually somewhat misleading; I've read more like twenty books so far thanks to that whole being sick and housebound for two months thing I did earlier this year. I just haven't had the time or desire to write about them.

But that's too bad. Back when I did construction, we had a phrase for people who were pissing and moaning around and not keeping up their end: "wearing the skirt." As in, "Hey Johno, take off the skirt and get on the goddamn ladder! We gotta get this done!" And so.

The Fitty Book Challenge, Book 4 and Book 5

George Plimpton: Open Net
George Plimpton: Paper Lion

When Hunter Thompson died, the obits mourned the passing of the Great Gonzo Journalist dedicated to translating the brainstem to the page. When George Plimpton died last year, the obits mourned the passing of a Great Man of Letters and Patron of Literatoor. But they didn’t make too much of Plimpton’s own contributions to the cause of experiential journalism, contributions that have doubtless been more widely read than Thompson ever was.

Earlier this year when I was in my second month of The Great Unexplained Sickness Event of 2005 I decided to get a couple George Plimpton books out in the hopes that his gentle wit and avuncular, intelligent writing would be as a balm to my tortured suffering self. Since the hockey season was nixed, I chose “Open Net,” in which Plimpton spends a few months training to be a goalie with the Boston Bruins. And since I like football, I picked up “Paper Lion,” in which Plimpton trained as a backup quarterback for the Detroit Lions.

Damn. I always knew that George Plimpton could write, but I never really grasped the level of his craft. Both these books were so-called “observational journalism,” and his aim in each case was to approach the sports as a fan and as a novice, trying to give other fans a vivid sense of what it’s like. But Plimpton is a master both of the tossed-off observation and the closely analyzed situation, both a top-notch journalist and a novelist at once.

Early in “Paper Lion” there’s a bit where Plimpton is reporting to training camp for the Lions at a small private boy’s school in upstate Michigan. In a few deft lines, Plimpton sets the soporific scene, with buzzing flies, whirring lawn mowers and empty classrooms smelling of varnish, heat, and chalk. The faculty secretary is identified by her hornrims and efficient manner; a group of Catholic priests on campus for a convention stroll in cossack and collar. That’s all we get of the priests at that point, but from time to time they come up in an aside and immediately we think of a pair of friars walking and counting angels looking startled as a gawky Yankee (or a group of drunken linebackers) stumbles into their path.

When Plimpton finally gets into a scrimmage, that same economy takes you from “Blue eight right, Hut, Hut, HUT!” to “OOOOOOOF” in a few words perfectly chosen to convey the impact of nine 250-lb gentlemen trying to kill you with their hands at high speed. That he spends hundreds of pages talking about drills, scrimmages, the sacredness of the playbook, team sociology and the risk of injuries sets all this up so he can execute the play and his paragraph in no time flat.

I consider myself a good writer; some other people experiencing lapses in taste have also said so. But next to Plimpton’s eye for detail and way with a good story, I’m a four-year-old with a whiffle bat pretending to be Barry Bonds. One running theme in “Empty Net” is the smells of hockey, especially the locker rooms. Since he is playing with used equipment, there’s a sort of funk on his pads that he comes to accept as part of the world of hockey. He sometimes gets a whiff of the funk from his closet even months after he has quit the team. Finally, long after his hilariously unsuccessful stint as goalie for the Bruins, Plimpton is talking with one of the Bruins about his equipment-funk. He is wistfully reminiscing about how the smell was part of his experience and how he still imagines he smells it when his companion breaks out laughing. As it turns out, the team pranksters doused Plimpton’s pads with a gag item called “U-Stink” before he got to camp, and he had been walking around in a cloud of funk the entire time, his literary mind thinking now this is the real deal! when in reality he just smelled bad. Plimpton stretches the setup for this punchline out over 200 pages perfectly; we’re right there with him getting misty over mildewing locker rooms and the smell of foot rot when BAM! and suddenly it’s funny.

Of course, “Open Net” and “Paper Lion” are sort of the same story twice. The main difference is of course that hockey players are by nature different from football players, and your enjoyment of each book will be dictated in part by how much you care about kids in northern Alberta. Then again, the same thing could be said about Hunter Thompson. Either you are willing to accept that Ibogaine is a metaphor and read on, or you aren’t. Either you are willing to read a witty and urbane middle-aged man trying to block a slapshot or complete a naked bootleg or you are not. I think my days of wishing I could decamp for Las Vegas with a convertible and a Samoan attorney are past but I’m fairly certain I will never get over wanting to learn to hit a Randy Johnson curveball.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Finally! A Frank and Reasonable Jihad Just For Me!

I, The Shotgun of Compassion, do politely exhort all and sundry to read the first communication from the group calling itself Unitarian Jihad. If you don't want to, that's all right too. It's also fine if you read it and think we're full of beans; we accept and celebrate your right to disagree with us. You're probably still a good person. We can talk about that if you like.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to ... you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.

Me, I love a Jihad that doesn't even care if I believe in God. Or Gods, if the notion of one God offends you. Or should that be god with a small "g?" Well, take it how you want it (or not at all).

If you too wish to participate (or not!!), you can get your own Unitarian Jihad name (or not!!) here. Trans/post-gendered individuals are of course welcome, and if you don't like your name you may of course appeal to committee. We respect your difference of opinion.

WHAT'S OUR NAME?!
*Unitarian Jihad!*
AND WHAT DO WE WANT?!?
*Reasonably nuanaced moderation and frank and open discussion of means, ends, and philosophies!*
AND WHEN DO WE WANT IT!?!?!?
*Erm...any time is fine, we suppose!*

(A genial and open-minded tip of the hat to Wizbang.)

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 2

Fluffy Bunny Screaming Horror Time With EDog

Loyal reader EDog sent me this absolutely riotous link to a page of bunny suicides. Other Loyal Reader NDR would do well to perform a gut-check before clicking; though whimsical and hand-drawn, the suicides are depicted in grisly detail that bunny lovers may or may not vibe with.

Posted by Johno Johno on   |   § 1