perfidy

Enemies of humanity are busy at work this week, endangering our racial survival on a broad front.

First up is this group of 'scientists':

Pittsburgh's Safar Centre for Resuscitation Research has developed a technique in which subject's veins are drained of blood and filled with an ice-cold salt solution. The animals are considered scientifically dead, as they stop breathing and have no heartbeat or brain activity. But three hours later, their blood is replaced and the zombie dogs are brought back to life with an electric shock.

Plans to test the technique on humans should be realised within a year, according to the Safar Centre.

The researchers claim that this research could lead to hundreds, even thousands of saved lives. It is well known that the sooner medical treatment can be brought to bear on a trauma victim, the better the chances of survival. The scientists say they believe that this technique could greatly extend the period when life-saving treatment can be successfully applied. Of course, trifling with the undead has a long history of high ideals and tragic, gory endings.

Tests show they are perfectly normal, with no brain damage.

Yeah, right:

Creating man's best undead friend is only the beginning for these tireless, yet clever, enemies of mankind. Witness this example of mind-numbing stupidity in the guise of science:

Researchers at the University of Michigan have developed a robotic breast "examiner." Combining ultrasound and an finely honed sense of touch, this robotic hand will enable "trained medical personnel" to cop a feel from across continents.

"Just because you’re located in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan or even Botswana, it doesn’t mean you can’t have a sophisticated diagnostic or therapeutic procedure."

Sure. Just like vibrators were originally sold as "marital aids," these devices will not remain in the hands of researchers for long. Under the control of artificially intelligent robot overlords these nefarious devices will be a handy tool for subverting half the human population; making our eventual demise that much quicker.

[I might add a modest prediction: that is exactly as close as that guy will ever get to touching an actual human breast.]

Imagine the humiliation, as you - one of the last surviving humans on earth - are mercilously hunted by autonomous hunter-killer drones. Cornered, you pull your gun, determined to go down in a blaze of glory. But instead of maniacal laughter, or a toneless admonition that "resistance is futile!" you hear only this:

"Smell my finger."

Apparently, the president elect of Iran is this fuckhead:

The fuckhead on the right is Mahmood Ahmadinejad. The man on the left is an American hostage. The picture is from the American embassy in Tehran in 1979.

Representative of the religion of peace Ahmadinejad said,

"The wave of the Islamic revolution will soon reach the entire world... Thanks to the blood of the martyrs, a new Islamic revolution has arisen and the Islamic revolution of 1384 [the current Iranian year] will, if God wills, cut off the roots of injustice in the world," Ahmadinejad was quoted by the official Iranian news agency as saying. "The era of oppression, hegemonic regimes, tyranny and injustice has reached its end."

The best way to ensure that in Iran would be for dear Mahmood and his cronies to immediately remove themselves from power, and for good measure, this life.

Besides participating in the the takeover of the U.S. embassy in Teheran, Ahmadinejad's other credentials include serving as Teheran's mayor, as a senior commander in the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps, responsible for the nation's missile and nuclear weapons programs, and has been identified as a suspect in the killing of Kurdish dissidents in Europe in the late 1980s and early 1990s. As an unsurprising bonus, he has long been regarded as the most anti-Western of Iran's presidential candidates.

Give peace a chance!

The Buckethead Clan will be departing the DC area at an undetermined time this evening, heading toward an undisclosed location somewhere in Ohio. I am concealing this information from you and my wife for the eminently simple reason that I have no fricken clue. But sooner or later, probably later, we will load up the bucketmobile with fireworks, small children and dogs; and newly equipped with iPod, we will drive off into the sunset with (at last count) as much as 2.4 days worth of music to listen to.

This patriotic journey to the heartland to celebrate (two days late) the signing of the Declaration of Independence will leave me far, far from my computer. While I may have occasional access, I doubt I'll be feeling much like posting, seeing as we have relatives to visit, picnics and fireworks to attend, a wedding to go to, (and wedding gifts to buy) and who knows what else.

I hope everyone has a explosion and fire-filled Independence Day, consumes vast quantities of cheap hot dogs and cheaper beer, and takes at least a minute to reflect on the liberty we enjoy.

Via ace, we find that the ever useful Forbes magazine runs the numbers for how much aspiring crime fighters will need to throw down to become a Batclone. Short answer, a lot. 3,365,449 samoleans, to be exact. And that’s the bargain basement price, for those without access to a billion dollar inheritance. (According to the Forbes ranking of the richest fictional individuals, Bruce Wayne comes in at number seven just after Willy Wonka. If the Bruce were real, Forbes believes he’d eb a notch below Rupert Murdoch.) So how do you become Batman? Let’s take a look.

For the bat-fu, Forbes suggests Shaolin training:

A good place to start would be an internship at the birthplace of kung fu, the Shaolin Temple in Henan, China. One month of training at the prestigious Tagou school costs about $740, including a private room and training with a personal coach. It'll take a while to get good enough to stop the Joker's worst thugs, though, so count on spending at least three years and about 30 grand for the trip.

I had no idea that Shaolin training was that cheap. If I had known that ten years ago, I would now be the baddest technical writer in world history. But I don’t think Mrs. Buckethead would approve of me going off to China for several years at this point.

Where do you stash your gear between missions? Seeing as the underlying geology of New York is not conducive to cave formation, Forbes recommends another alternative:

So what's a budget-minded vigilante to do? We recommend you find yourself a nice out-of-the-way warehouse. In the outer boroughs of New York City, a decent-sized ground-floor commercial space can be leased for as low as $2,000 a month, particularly in isolated, questionably safe neighborhoods, exactly the kind of place the Bat would fly.

That’s not a bad deal. Certainly cheaper than what my friend Drew is paying for his condo in Battery Park.

This is the kind of hard hitting, informative investigative reporting we need to see more of.

Garfield Ridge has a great post up on one of Baseball's true greats: Dock Ellis.

Thirty-five years ago, on June 12, 1970, Pittsburgh Pirate and future Texas Rangers pitcher Dock Ellis found himself in the Los Angeles home of a childhood friend named Al Rambo. Two days earlier, he'd flown with the Pirates to San Diego for a four-game series with the Padres. He immediately rented a car and drove to L.A. to see Rambo and his girlfriend Mitzi. The next 12 hours were a fog of conversation, screwdrivers, marijuana, and, for Ellis, amphetamines. He went to sleep in the early morning, woke up sometime after noon and immediately took a dose of Purple Haze acid.

A bit later, how long exactly he can't recall, he came across Mitzi flipping through a newspaper. She scanned for a moment, then noticed something.

"Dock," she said. "You're supposed to pitch today."

Ellis focused his mind. No. Friday. He wasn't pitching until Friday. He was sure.

"Baby," she replied. "It is Friday. You slept through Thursday."

Dock went on to pitch a no-hitter.

The top 100 movie quotes of all time (according to the AFI) have been released.

The top dozen:

1. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn," "Gone With the Wind," 1939.
2. "I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse," "The Godfather," 1972.
3. "You don't understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could've been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am," "On the Waterfront," 1954.
4. "Toto, I've got a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore," "The Wizard of Oz," 1939.
5. "Here's looking at you, kid," "Casablanca," 1942.
6. "Go ahead, make my day," "Sudden Impact," 1983.
7. "All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my close-up," "Sunset Blvd.," 1950.
8. "May the Force be with you," "Star Wars," 1977.
9. "Fasten your seatbelts. It's going to be a bumpy night," "All About Eve," 1950.
10. "You talking to me?" "Taxi Driver," 1976.
11. "What we've got here is failure to communicate," "Cool Hand Luke," 1967.
12. "I love the smell of napalm in the morning," "Apocalypse Now," 1979.

I can't believe that the ending line from Casablanca doesn't make it higher than 20. Travesty! Also, they should have included the whole quote from Apocalypse Now! - "It smells like... Victory."

Although I am partially appeased by the inclusion of #77. "Soylent Green is people!"; my biggest problem... no Ash quotes.

Insensitive. Bastards.

Kristol thinks that O'Connor will be the first to go.

If such "economic development" takings are for a "public use," any taking is, and the Court has erased the Public Use Clause from our Constitution, as Justice O’Connor powerfully argues in dissent. Ante, at 1—2, 8—13. I do not believe that this Court can eliminate liberties expressly enumerated in the Constitution and therefore join her dissenting opinion. Regrettably, however, the Court’s error runs deeper than this. Today’s decision is simply the latest in a string of our cases construing the Public Use Clause to be a virtual nullity, without the slightest nod to its original meaning. In my view, the Public Use Clause, originally understood, is a meaningful limit on the government’s eminent domain power. Our cases have strayed from the Clause’s original meaning, and I would reconsider them.

So says Clarence Thomas, regarding the second elimination of a clearly stated constitutional limitation in as many weeks. This particular travesty has been a long time coming. The courts have been drifting in this direction for decades. Earlier cases, notably in Pittsburgh and Portland, saw home and business owners kicked to the curb to satisfy the "public good" of large corporations and rich developers.

Now, I am not one to rail against capitalism and corporations as a matter of habit. When business entities and rich individuals are made to play by the same rules and on the same field as everyone else, the harm that they can do is limited, and what harm that is done can be remedied in law. This ruling changes that altogether. Now ownership of property is subject to the whim of whoever last arranged for a city councilmen to get a blowjob, or who wrote the most recent check to the mayor’s reelection fund. Property rights are no longer absolute. Whoever has connections can have property rights reassigned, and the whole of government enforcement powers will be enlisted to point a gun at the head of the poor schmuck who wants to keep his home.

The rule of law is a cool thing. Five of our Supreme Court Justices have a pretty hazy conception of what that means. Property rights are in many respects the true basis of liberty. (Not freedom. Freedom means having nothing else to lose.) Autonomy depends on having a sanctuary from which to exercise it. A man’s home must be his castle. Over the last century, but especially over the last couple decades, the Constitution has ceased to be what it originally was – the final arbiter of what is permissible for government. So many provisions and amendments have been twisted beyond recognition as to be entirely negated. Just in the last ten years we have seen serious inroads into the

Slippery slope arguments are always dangerous, but things like this really tickle my paranoia. Like Johno, I immediately thought of Ruby Ridge. But I also thought of this:

America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards.

How do you go about arresting these trends? The list of bad things is long: the drug war, RICO laws, sneak ‘n’ peak searches, the militarization of law enforcement, Waco, Ruby Ridge, restrictive gun laws, increased surveillance, certain provisions of the Patriot Act, campaign finance reform, ad infinitum. And hand in hand with the creepy illogic and clear unconstitutionality of the bad laws is the creepy incompetence of those enforcing the laws. Ruby Ridge and Waco are classic examples, but the fumbling of the BATFE, TSA, Border Patrol and numerous others are just as bad.

I don’t know where this is all going. But on days like yesterday, I have a feeling we might be in a handbasket.

[wik] Some other good links: Justice Thomas’ complete dissent, Professor Bainbridge’s essay at TCS, and The Opinion Journal’s take on the matter.

[alsø wik]Zach Wendling has a sort of funny, kind of scary idea about the only likely defense against developers paying off local officials to take your house.

From Rocket Jones, via Simon, by way of Mr. Brown and through rx78ntx, we find real life Dilbertisms:

A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life dilbert-type managers.

Here are the top ten finalists:

1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA)
2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." (Lykes Lines Shipping)
3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." (Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (Hallmark Cards Executive)

Senator Dick Durbin (Dick-Ill) has tearfully not really apologized for the ridiculously offensive statements he made the other day.

Some may believe that my remarks crossed the line," the Illinois Democrat said. "To them I extend my heartfelt apologies." His voice quaking and tears welling in his eyes, the No. 2 Democrat in the Senate also apologized to any soldiers who felt insulted by his remarks. "They're the best. I never, ever intended any disrespect for them," he said.

Aside from bicyclists riding in the road four feet from a paved and well maintained fricken bike path, there is little in this world that pisses me off more than these pretend apologies. Not just from senators, but from anyone.

"I'm sorry you felt bad that I did that." Bullshit. Either say you're sorry for what you did - and admit that it was wrong, or stfu. These sort-of apologies place the blame on others. "Some people are offended, and I'm sorry they feel that way." What Durbin said was not only wrong on the politeness/civic amity/professionalism spectrum, it was historically/factually wrong. And the whole tears thing is so patently fake. There is no excuse for what he said, and his tear-stained apology should read more like this:

My remarks crossed the line. What I said was factually incorrect, and morally reprehensible. I was wrong. I apologize to the people of the United States, and especially to the United States Military, the guards at Guantanamo, my constituents and my family. In my unhealthy desire to make a political point, I offended you all, and for that I am deeply sorry.

Something like that would be a real apology. It also pisses me off that no one in the media is willing to parse a sentence, and comment on what he's actually saying. Fah.

Over at Ace, we discover that there is an effort to provide homes for Chinese blogs. Given the censorship and controls employed by the Communist government (backed of course by the threat of police violence) it behooves us in the free world to help out where we can.

Adoptablog is a project to match Chinese blogs (or, in fact, blogs from anywhere where there is totalitarian speech suppression) with hosts in the US. After consulting the oracles, finger bones, and a few tea leaves, I have determined that we can easily spare room here for a Chinese blog. If you are a blogger in need of hosting, email {encode="adoptablog@perfidy.org" title="Perfidy Adoptablog"} and we'll figure out how to get you set up. (Perfidy is running on expression engine software, but we can be flexible should that be necessary.)

Today, I had lunch at a local chinese restaurant. As is traditional, I received a fortune cookie at the end of my (quite tasty) buffet. Unlike most fortune cookies, this one left me wondering:

Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today

Okay, today I will avoid elephant smooching today. Should I not buss an elephant tomorrow? What if I did so in the past - will I have bad luck? If I do run into a pachyderm after midnight, should I seek out some lip hockey?

And if I do run into an elephant today, am I doomed if I kiss an elephant somewhere other than on the lips? It only mentions lips! What will I do if I run into an amorous elephant? I could just tell the elephant I have a canker sore, but I don't think I'd have much choice if the elephant really wants a kiss. Wouldn't the trunk get in the way of kissing anyway...

Drudge is reporting DNC Chairman Howard Dean has decided to forego the evenhanded rhetoric, amity and collegiality, bend-over for the ruling party methods that he has heretofore exhibited. Now he's going to get mad, and you wouldn't like him when he's mad. This comes as a bit of a shock to those of us who thought that the good doctor was already a little bit around the bend, what with all the "Republicans are evil," "I hate Republicans and all they stand for," "They're the white Christian party," and other assorted bon mots.

While I have not been one to believe that Karl Rove is the all-powerful puppetmaster/machiavel/satanic schemer that some in the dirtier, smellier parts of the left imagine him to be. But I doubt myself... Did Karl Rove somehow replace the real former Governor Dean with an android? Because Dean is a gift beyond price to the Republicans. Fundraising is down, the fringe is pushed to ever greater heights of offputting frenzy, and Republican speechwriters and admakers have a database of money quotes they will be decades in exhausting.

And Dean seems to be dragging the party leadership with him. Every day, some Democrat gets sucked past the event horizon of Deanite mania, to a place where the laws of physics and history are strangely warped and unintelligible. Senator Dick Durbin confusing past totalitarianism with current American Military practice is only the most recent victim. I have heard people of the left say that Dean's behavior is no different than that of Rush Limbaugh. While this is certainly true, there is a significant difference in their positions. Limbaugh is not the RNC Chair.

M. Simon had a post the other day (found via Murdoc) which lays out the problem for the Democrats:

So far the Democratic Party hates white Christian Republicans according to Dean. The Military according to Durbin and Jews according to a forum organized by Rep. John Conyers of Michigan.

So let us do a Venn diagram to see what is left of the Democrat party.

Here is the list:

Whites
Christians
Republicans
The military
Jews

Now of course there is overlap but that list must include 70% to 80% of all Americans. I must say, short of Nixon's resignation, this is one of the most amazing weeks I have ever witnessed in American politics. The Democrat Party is shrinking faster than the Wicked Witch of the West.

The Democrats are building a permanent Republican majority by the simple and expedient method of self-destruction.

How they imagine that they can reclaim the levers of power in 2008 is utterly beyond my comprehension. After alienating everyone who isn't already ideologically committed to the party, they will no doubt nominate the most polarizing figure in American politics in the last quarter century. Hillary is smart, and canny; but she's going to have a smaller base to work from. And there is no guarantee that the Republicans will nominate as weak a candidate as GWB next time around, or that the war on terror will have blown up in our faces. (I mean, really, the last two elections were "Clash of the Midgets.") If a Republican with broad appeal to the middle - someone like McCain, if not actually McCain - goes up for the big game, the Democrats are going to be toast.

Space.com has an interesting article on terraforming called, "Terraforming: Human Destiny or Hubris?" It's a little pessimistic, I think. Not that I'm saying that in the next ten years, we could start making any large-scale alterations to any planetary environment, save the one we're already on. However, the one thing that will make it possible is replicating assemblers. Not necessarily nanotech, though that would make it easier. Once we have devices that can be sent as a seed into space, there to grow into automated factories for producing solar power plants and large engines for moving things, truly anything will be possible. And the way computer technology is going, it won't be long before that could happen. (Moore's law says that computer power will be approaching the lower bounds of human thought in a less than thirty years or so.)

Murdoc tagged me with this meme over the weekend. Why the hell not?

1. Total Number of Books I Own: Somewhere north of 2500. In my life, I have probably owned another 1000 or more books that I either lost, sold, or gave away. I imagine I have read all but a few of those books.

2. The Last Book I Bought: I bought David Reynold’s new biography of John Brown (he of “nits make lice” fame) because neither Borders nor Barnes and Noble had Bennett’s Anglosphere Challenge. Haven’t started it yet, because I’m reading a free online book.

3. The Last Book I Read: Harry Potter and the Prizoner of Azkaban. I’m rereading the series, backwards, in preparation for the release of book six sometime next month. I liked it better than the first time. (I liked book five a lot better the second time. First time I read it, I was rather disappointed.)

4. Five Books That Mean a Lot to Me: These aren’t in any particular order. While any number of non-fiction books have greatly increased my knowledge, or even changed my opinions dramatically; none have had the effect that fiction has had. Fiction, at its best, really gets me where I live.

1. The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. I read this when I was young, maybe eleven years old. Tolkien created such an extraordinarily dense mythology, it was easy to get lost (in a good way) in the story. Heroism, good v. evil, magical landscapes and creatures, and the feel of ancient wonder. The books felt old in a way that no other thing I have read ever have, even stories written hundreds of years earlier.
2. The Illuminatus Trilogy, by Robert Anton Wilson. This book meant a quite a lot to me fifteen years ago. Blew my mind when I read it. I tried to reread it a few months ago and couldn’t get more than thirty pages in. This book, and the Shroedinger’s Cat trilogy, made a huge impact on my habits of thinking. Wilson would no doubt be disappointed that his books did not arrest my slide into conservatism, but they certainly affected the kind of conservative I became. The thing that stuck with me most from this book was not that reality is relative, but that everyone does have their own perception of it. And everyone is the hero in their own personal narrative.
3. The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert A. Heinlein. I think this is Heinlein’s greatest novel. Where the politics of Illuminatus didn’t quite take hold, it was probably because this book had already made firm claim to essential mindshare. (And to a lesser extent, Starship Troopers and most of the juveniles.) Rationalism, liberty, guns. It’s all there, plus a computer throwing rocks.
4. Shockwave Rider, by John Brunner. The first book I ever read that made future shock real, and then went on to show how it could be a good thing. Science fiction is in large an antidote to future shock – my typical response to innovation is, “About frickin’ time!” The horizon for “worrying” technological development is, for me, very far in the future.
5. The Stars My Destination, by Alfred Bester; and The Dosadi Experiment, by Frank Herbert. Okay, so I’m cheating a little. These two books, read just after I gradumatated from high school, reaffirmed my sense of wonder. In completely different ways, they had a similar effect on my consciousness. The idea that you can improve your consciousness, your self in ways vastly different and better than the pabulum offered by mindless self-help books lingered a long time… Science fiction here less concerened with spaceships and rayguns, but with the mind.

Maybe it’s the way my mind is wired, but non-sf fiction doesn’t grab me the way sf does. It doesn’t effect me in any deep sense. I have read a fair amount of the canonical literature, and enjoyed it. Been amazed, in fact, at its quality, its insight into the human condition. None of it hit me like these books, though. Maybe if the list was ten or fifteen, we’d start seeing Shakespeare and other writers that a literature professor would recognize. In a world so profoundly altered by technology, a literature that explores more than mere alienation is the only thing that can explain our world to ourselves.

At this point, I’m supposed to invite others to join in the madness. In the interest of being incestuous, I tag all my cobloggers. But in keeping with the precedents set before me, I nominate: The Maximum Leader, if he reads; Ken The Oldsmoblogger, ‘cause he’s from Cleveland; Phil Dennison, ‘cause he’s from Cleveland; John Hudock of Commonsense and Wonder ‘cause he should be from Cleveland and I feel real bad about not linking him in ages; and finally Dave at Garfield Ridge, ‘cause he’s new to the blogroll. Like Murdoc said, “If you don't want to, let me know so that I can badger you about it. If you've already played this game, let me know so I can badger someone else.”

MommaBear, of On The Third Hand, is mourning the loss of her beloved PoppaBear. My condolences for your loss, and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. On behalf of the Ministry, we wish you strength and hope in your time of need.

Back in the dark times of late summer 2004, when it seemed that the Republicans were going to steal yet another election, a group of brave patriots gathered together to protest the Republican National Convention. Nearly a thousand groups (listed at the United for Peace and Justice website) gathered under the wise and benevolent leadership of Michael Moore, Danny Glover and the Rev. Jesse Jackson, and sent at least a hundred thousand, but no more than 200,000, and certainly not 400,000 people, to NYC to demonstrate.

While the exact goal of the demonstration remains obscure (were they going to stop the Republicans from selecting a candidate? that'll put a spoke in their wheel!) it is clear that these earnest and concerned people were definitely against everything that was going on inside the convention. All that democracy and stuff. In my role as a serious commentator on politics and current events, I looked at the list of groups, and noted that some of the names were rather silly. And then I posted that thought, with some carefully chosen examples to buttress my argument. Names like these:

1% a peace army (MA)
Addicted to War (CA)
African Ancestral Lesbians United for Societal Change (NY)
Brooklyn Demilitarized Zone project -- BkDMZ (NY)
Chicago Anti-Bashing Network (IL)
Citizens of Planet Earth Academy (NC)
Committee to Free Pedro Pacheco
Disarm Education Fund (NY)
draftresistance.org (AK)
Emergency Committee To Defend Constitutional Welfare Rights, USA (NY)
Food Not Bombs - Muncie (IN)
House of The Goddess Center for Pagan Wombyn
John Denver Peace Cloth (WA)
Labone Branch of Ghana United Nations Association
Marxist Feminist Lesbian Jamican Radical Poets -- MFLJRP (NJ)
Not in Our Brains Campaign (NY)
PLURtopia & Enlightened Libra Creations
Quixote Center (DC)
Raging Grannies - Peninsula Chapter (CA)
Ronald Reagan Home for the Criminally Insane (CA)
Ruckus Society
Students Against Testing (NY)
Ukuleles For Sanity (CA)

But one group that I mentioned recently took offense at my light-hearted ribbing. Actually, not a group but a TV show.

Missing Kitten TV

In a post entitled, “Little Green Morons”, MKTV accused me of being [gasp…] a right-wing whackjob! Further, I am accused of shoddy, slipshod research. Agony!

you see, a while back, katharine and i decided to register our show as one of the member groups supporting the united for peace and justice movement. they published the list of all of those groups on their website. and ever since then, all types of right-wing whackjobs (including the new york post!) have taken a stab at at those of us with untraditional names. not a single one has ever taken the time to do any research, contact us, or even visit our website.

…you would *think* that one - just one! - of these little green footballs would be able to figure out that we are a TV show!!!

Well, damn. I didn’t think a whole lot of research into the history, aims, membership and favorite color of any of these groups was necessary for me to judge, all on my own, that some of them had silly names. Judging a book by its cover is perhaps unwise. But what if you are judging the book cover? Do you have to read the book then?

And “untraditional” is a, shall we say, generous description for some of these titles.

Since hypocrisy is the biggest sin for the left, let’s examine some of those statements. I am wrong for not reading Missing Kitten TV’s website, and for not contacting them to get the full picture before recklessly mentioning that they have a silly name. I wonder, did the well-intentioned and kind people from Missing Kitten TV bothered to look at this site before calling me (in a nice way) a right-wing whackjob? Do right-wing whackjobs share their personal space for communication and expression with two people who hold offensive and criminally stupid liberal viewpoints? Do right-wing whackjobs as a rule oppose the war on drugs, support gays in the military, women in combat, gay marriage (conditionally, I admit), oppose censorship of all kinds, and think that the patriot act was almost certainly a bad idea? Apparently I am a sufficiently open-minded enough right-wing whackjob to share my blog with two liberals and to hold any number of beliefs not perfectly congruent with the label, "right-wing whackjob." Or maybe I don’t hang out with the right sort of right-wing whackjobs.

Further, minimal research would have unearthed that I am neither little, nor green. I’ll give MKTV a flier on moron, but your mileage may vary.

In any event, I make a formal apology to MSTV for having the temerity to mention their name without first seeking their permission. I further abase myself and say that from this moment on, the phrase “right-wing whackjob” will appear in the list of cycling capsule biographies under my name as a constant (well, intermittent) badge of my shame. I will also endeavor to be less right, less wing, and less whack. I will retain my job however, because I am still a conservative. And finally, I will never again display the kind of breathtaking arrogance and condescension for which conservatives are so infamous:

again - he never did ANY research, or made ANY effort to contact us. and here in NYC, alls you gotta do is turn on a friggin' television set....

my sentiments exactly....

Something I've been looking forward to, perched on the edge of my seat, even. The jury in the Michael Jackson "Is he beyond a reasonable doubt a freaky child molestor" trial is due to announce its verdict in a few minutes after seven days of deliberation. Now, most people have always felt that he was a creepy child diddler. But now we'll know whether or not the justice system will consider him such.

But that's not the birthday present. This is:

It's always somehow heartening to know that there are people like this in the world.

As of 3:50 this morning, I am 36 years old. This is, I think, the last year I will reasonably be able to say that I am in my "mid thirties," so I suppose I should make the most of it or something. In many important material aspects, it won't be my birthday until wednesday, when I get my first real paycheck. Then I can go shopping.

So far, and I am keeping track, three members of my family have wished me a happy birthday. Aunt Diane gets bonus points for getting me a card that arrived on Saturday. My cousin Chris gets bonus points because I didn't expect an email from him. He turns 37 in a week, so he has one week left of his mid thirties. My mom, whom I love, gets half a point, because she wished me happy birthday when she replied to an email I sent her this morning.

Dad gets zero points. This is a composite score because he gets -1 point for not wishing me happy birthday when I called him this morning, and +1 point because that call was to decide where to meet for lunch, which he will pay for because it's my birthday.

The rest of my family gets zero points; as do friends and cobloggers, because while it would have been nice to have a happy birthday greeting, it's not like I went out of my way to let them know that I had a birthday coming up.

Mrs. Buckethead gets -1 point because she didn't wish me a happy birthday at all this morning. Should I still give her money to buy me a birthday present, or should I just buy a iPod?

[wik] My son gets +1 point because he's adorable, and has no fricken clue what a birthday is.

[alsø wik] My friend Trish gets +1 point for emailing me a happy birthday. And, she talks sf. Another 1/2 point.

[alsø alsø wik] Mrs. Buckethead gets another -1/2 point for calling about the air conditioning and the ants in the upstairs bathroom, and again failing to wish me a happy birthday.

[wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër?] Lots of movement in the scores over lunch. Dad is up to +1 1/2 points for giving me a really funny Farside birthday card, and for cash. My stepmom is up a point for picking out that card, and for the cash. Mrs. Buckethead down another point for two more calls and still no happy birthday. And out of left field, Polly is up +10 points for calling on my birthday and offering me a higher paying job.

[see the løveli lakes...] Geeklethal and Murdoc are each +1 point for being snide. Especially Murdoc:

Sheesh. If Molly Ringwald was like Buckethead, the movie SIXTEEN CANDLES would have ended like the movie CARRIE…

[the wøndërful telephøne system...] My mom is lobbying for points:

Don't I get any credit for putting a card in the mail on Saturday, even if you get it late?

Sorry mom - no card, no points.

[and mäni interesting furry animals...] Mrs. Buckethead gets another -1 point for three more phone calls without a happy birthday. I hope that it is the heat affecting her higher brain functions. On that note, however, she gets +5 points for getting the air conditioning running again. When temperatures and humidity are both over 90, ac is definitely a good birthday present. And maybe when the house cools down, her brain will start working again.

[including the majestik møøse...] Another unexpected birthday call. The headhunters who got me my current yob called, and wished me a happy birthday. I was going to give them +1 point, but my coworker insisted that this deserves +2 points, seeing as it came from a nominally soulless corporation. +2 it is.

[a Møøse once bit my sister...] A summary of the standings so far, just as I get ready to leave work:

1. Polly the headhunter, +10
2. Nathan the headhunter, +2
3. Trish, Dad, +1 1/2 Also Mrs. Buckethead, even though she still hasn't wished me a happy birthday
4. Murdoc, Geeklethal, Aunt Diane, Cousin Chris, Stepmom, My son, +1 point
5. Mom, +1/2 point
6. The other six billion or so people, 0 points

What kind of scary world is it when two headhunters top your birthday list?

[No realli! She was Karving her initials øn the møøse with the sharpened end of an interspace tøøthbrush given her by Svenge - her brother-in-law -an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian møvies: "The Høt Hands of an Oslo Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge Mølars of Horst Nordfink"...] Final update: Mom gets +1 point because her card was waiting for me when I got home, and then she called. Mark gets +2 points for wishing me a happy birthday even though he probably didn't know I existed a couple hours before he did so.

[Mynd you, møøse bites Kan be pretty nasti...] Next year's birthday will be dynamite. Huge.